Fertile Ramblings

Repeat Repeat Repeat

2012-02-07T15:15:00.002-06:00

Scans are back. Must have my gall bladder removed asap.

FML.

Friday's Scans

2012-02-05T19:37:00.000-06:00

Went on Friday for my pelvic, abdominal, and transvag u/s & I don't know anything yet. I do know that I'm still having definite pain on my right side - mainly on the right-hand side of my ribs. The sonographer spent a lot of time capturing views of my liver and gall bladder. She pressed on one spot and it did NOT feel good. Of course, as a worrier, I then began to silently freak that I had spots of cancer on my liver, that I have liver cancer, that I am going to die, that my husband will become a widower, my dogs won't have their Mom, and that we will never be able to adopt a baby if I'm dead. It was all I could do not to cry. Finally, I got myself in check as she finished the sonos. I'm still a bit worried, though.

Though I told her I could probably do it myself, I didn't look during the transvaginal u/s because I've become so accustomed to seeing the dark, desolate inside of my uterus that I was worried I might freak that there wasn't even a uterus to see (much less ever a baby). Just for affirmation and self-entertainment, I asked the sonographer if there were any reproductive parts left in there to which she quickly answered, "Nope!" No lady parts, just something that is still causing me pain. What next???

After explaining to my mom the details of my scans, she said, "Well you may need your gall bladder out." I swear if they have to go inside of me again, I'll have them gut me. I have neither the time nor the desire to be stabbed or cut again. No thank you. I'm really looking forward to this blog becoming a "HEY look at my cute new baby!" blog vs. "HEY it's me again . . . still bitching, whining, moaning, and complaining."

Someday, my friends . . . . . . . someday.

Not him!

2012-02-02T21:41:00.000-06:00

After speaking with Nurse Amazing today, I went to see Dr. Terrific about the pain I'm still experiencing post-op. We aren't sure what is causing the pain so after commenting, "You just always have to be the complicated one," (or something like that), Dr. T wrote orders for me to have abdominal and pelvic u/s tomorrow. There's even a possibility that I'll have to hang out with the dildo cam again. Not him again! I thought I was done with the vag cam.

I just want the pain gone, so I'll meet with whatever instrument/implement necessary.

Don't Quit

2012-02-02T12:21:00.000-06:00

Saw this today & LOVED it! I will add it to my Quotes for Strength page linked above.

"Don't quit before your miracle. When you're in the trenches of a transformation, it is hard to see your miracle coming." ~ Karen Salmansohn

Dear Dr. T

2012-02-01T21:22:00.000-06:00

In case you are reading this tonight from your fancy iPad, I am standing by my previous response in relation to missing my parts with a resounding "NO!!" However, the sword fight that occurred on my right side is still killing me. Be excited, because I'll be calling you tomorrow.

Sincerely,
The One Still in Pain :/

Subtle Mind-Reading

2012-01-30T18:31:00.000-06:00

Me to DH: "Honey, on my way home today I figured out that we don't have a baby yet because God knows we don't have a place for it to sleep."

DH: "Okay. Are you trying to say something?"

Me: "Nope. We don't even have a way to get baby home anyway."

:) Men call it mind-reading. We call it subtle hints.

How The Tables Turn

2012-01-29T15:26:00.000-06:00

At dinner last night, I told DH we really need to buy the baby basics. His reply?

"Mmm . . . I dunno."

HUH?

When I asked him what he meant, he said, "Well, you know, I just worry about karma."

Who is this cool-footed man eating dinner with me? Isn't he the one who mentioned adoption YEARS ago? Is he not the one who thought this was a great idea because he was worried about me and my mental & physical health? Oh, how the tables have turned.

So, in true faithful, hopeful fashion I shared with him what our agency owner said to me, "Oh honey . . . we're adopting. Everyone gets a baby! It'll be okay."

And dammit, I want to order baby stuff. NOW. :)

Itchy-Scratchy

2012-01-26T21:37:00.000-06:00

My stomach is itching like crazy!!! And not just my incision sites which are covered in dermabond/glue anyway. The areas around my incisions, the bruises, my bikini line where they shaved me more than I had shave & even the parts of my stomach that I haven't been able to feel since my surgery.

I feel like my pup, Steve, when he rolls on his back waiting for belly scratches. Goodness knows he owes me scratches, but he'd probably severely injure me!

Other than itching, I'm slowly recovering. Luckily a lot of my bloating is gone. I'm still sore & even sore in places I wasn't before. Bending is still a challenge and I can still easily overdo it if I move around much. I started hormones the day after surgery and I suppose they are working.

My post-op with Dr. T is tomorrow, so maybe he'll have some insight as to why I've got the itches and explain what I'm seeing when I look at the nasty pics of the guts known as my former reproductive system.

ps - Don't look up "itchy" images on the interwebz. SO GROSS.

Bequeathing

2012-01-24T22:24:00.000-06:00

From the looks of what I cleaned out of the bathroom cabinet today, one would surmise that (1) I'm a hoarder of all things feminine product-related, (2) I was preparing for the AF Armageddon, or (3) both. The correct answer is probably #3! I will admit to throwing away two packs of applicators and three chucks. I did keep one new box of pantiliners because, hey, I DO have a cervix ya know.

It is time for me to bequeath the multiple boxes of pads, pantiliners, tampons, OPKs, and HPTs. I am going to offer my maid the sanitary product stuff. She just had yet another baby and can probably use it or give it to other needy women. The OPKs and HPTs are going to my friend, Jenn. Damn. I really should auction all of it off and make some money. Ha!!!

As for my recovery, it's slow. I'm feeling okay but still very sore and weak. Doesn't take much to slow me down. It's a bit frustrating but I'll survive. Still kinda weird to think about it . . . I don't have a uterus. No ovaries. No tubes. I had my entire reproductive system ripped out. Don't worry, though. I'm still checking tp like something is actually going to be there!

Three Days Later and . . .

2012-01-20T22:37:00.000-06:00

It's only been three days since my hysterectomy and I'm bored. I overdid it on Tuesday (day of surgery) and Wednesday. Wednesday night I hit a wall and DH was not happy about it. I ended up in tears and pain. I rested more yesterday and had a fever before going to bed. I rested more today and my incision sites were oozing (gross). I'm feeling okay other than the huge bloating and the fact I can't bend, stretch, reach or move quickly. When I sleep, I sleep HARD. I'd love to take a pain pill and go to sleep right now, but I think I've already built up a tolerance to one of my meds. Gotta wait another 90 minutes before I take the next one.

Thankfully I've had family and friends come visit me and bring food and call and send cards and email, but I'm bored when nobody is here. FB and TB and Pinterest can only entertain me for so long.

Now, if I didn't *have* to sit around doing nothing, I'd love it of course. I'm not physically able/ready to go back to work on Monday, so I will rest according to DH's orders and see how it goes next week. I'm RRREEEALLLLYYYY wanting to buy baby stuff while I'm sitting around. Sounds like a bad joke, huh? "So, there was this girl who had no uterus who was shopping online for baby stuff . . . "

Just wanted to ramble and that I did. More to come I'm sure. Off to find more crappy TV.

Post-Hysterectomy Fashion

2012-01-19T09:00:00.002-06:00

Thank goodness nothing was saved, so I don't have to make fashion decisions. I'm good with my new jammies.

There is some funny stuff out there, folks. Funny stuff!

"Big, Ugly Uterus"

2012-01-18T08:48:00.000-06:00

"Big, Ugly Uterus. You did great, sweet girl." That's all I remember Dr. T saying to me in recovery.

After a yucky night after questionable late-afternoon sushi, DH and I woke up EARLY and showed up at the hospital way before the butt-crack of dawn. I was ready - physically, mentally, and emotionally. After checking in with the front desk, I literally, financially, and figuratively signed my life away. Lots of adverbs here. Guess it was a adverbial kind of day.

Not long after arriving, I was taken into pre-op. The highlight of my day? PIAC. Seriously??!? A pregnancy test?! Thank you for having the infertile pee one last proverbial pee before ripping out all possibilities of reproduction. Don't think I wouldn't bring it up with Dr. T! I had to shake my head, laugh, and give her enough drops to dip the stick. The nurse was on her own for that one!

I confirmed that I am who I am and have a birthday that I have. Confirmed I was having a complete laparoscopic supracervical hysterectomy which would be done through two abdominal incisions and one in through navel. (here's a video of the surgery) The surgery removed my uterus, tubes, and ovaries while leaving my cervix intact. I stripped down and changed into the awesome Bair Paws gown that hooks up to a reverse vacuum tube which blows warm or cool air into my gown. I LOVE that thing! It also comes with cute matching socks. It's the little things, huh? Compression instruments were placed on my legs, so I got a little calf massage before we began. IV was placed. They asked about previous surgeries, medications, made sure I didn't have anything removable in my body, and everything else. At that time, I was wishing I would've worn a sandwich board portraying my Rain Man Serious Injury List. While I waited, I flipped through a PBK catalog DH gave me and commented how I liked some of their stuff and how it was overpriced. Made some nursery notes though because I really like their floor rugs. How cool is it that I can have a hysterectomy and baby shop in the same day? Adoption rocks. :)

Dr. T came into pre-op and we went over random surgery stuff. (Yes, I mentioned the piac. Protocol. Whatever.) The anesthesiologist came in and gave me the good stuff. Then into the OR. I was a tad loopy but looked around, seeing the large instruments that would be jabbed into my body. Dr. T & the drug man were talking, the nurses were talking. Soon after the drug man (always my favorite dude of the day) placed a mask on my face and told me by the fourth breath I'd be asleep. And I was. However, I do remember at some point before fading away that Dr. T was standing to my side, one hand on my shoulder and one near my hip maybe. I truly think he was praying over me. While I plan to ask him about it, and whether it happened or not, it gave me comfort and I'm thankful for it.

A couple of hours later, Dr. T met with DH. He explained things and provided party pics. Wanna see 'em? They're sssoooooo gross! My mom, the nurse, saw them and said, "That is not what those things are supposed to look like!" No shit since that's what they felt like! I recovered in post-op fairly well and fairly quickly, DH bringing me home by about 3:00pm yesterday. I am VERY sore, VERY bloated, and VERY dry. My "stab" wounds from the laparascopic portion of the surgery are icky and extremely bruised. I truly feel like I've been in a knife fight. Not sure if I won or lost but pills and a fairly new nasal spray for pain are helping some.

Dr. T called late yesterday afternoon & I missed his call. Since he's so awesome, he told me to call him back on his cell and we were able to catch up. My uterus was twice the size it should have been. The adenomyosis and fibroids were severe enough that my uterus was basically unable to drain itself, causing the terrible periods of late. My left ovary was embedded into my left pelvic wall and had some endo surrounding it. Tubes looked fine, but what good were they when everything else was crap?

Now I recover. I took the week off work and made sub plans for next week if I need them. Last night brought visits from my sister, niece, and Mom last night; there is babysitting from my sister today; and so far lots of calls from other family and friends. I feel like I'm in a good place. IF didn't really beat me because I tore it out of the battle before it had the chance. DH and I are going to be parents. And THAT is what matters!

Thanks for being here for the ride. Your comments, emails, prayers, thoughts, and rain dances mean so much to me. Yes, I write for me but hearing from you makes it even more worthwhile. No telling what the life will bring from here. This blog will continue - whether you like it or not. ;) It gives me an outlet for my thoughts and feelings while keeping people in the loop of my world. Guess I need a new blog look though. I may work on it some this week or find someone who'd like to do it for free. My focus will continue to help others in the battle of MC/RPL/IF while soon sharing my future family with you. Yes, I will ramble on . . . and on . . . and on . . .

Until then, more pain drugs and a new laugh for DH:

Word from the Wise

2012-01-16T22:45:00.002-06:00

The day before major surgery, it is best not to try a new sushi place.

I have spoken. Blech.

The Turnaround

2012-01-15T11:11:00.002-06:00

On Friday, I was reading through the online forum which has carried me through wedding planning, being a newlywed, MC & PL, IF, and now into adoption. Another girl there had posted that she is having a difficult time making that mental shift to adoption. After I had my mini-meltdown (and a couple since) Thursday, I shared the following with her on Friday morning. (Flip that hormone switch!) As it's been proven to me over and over and over again: After the grief, hope rises.

"Hi there - good to see you. Making that mental shift to adoption will take some time, and that is OKAY. I think any of us that have battled IF still carry our scars. Some are fresher than others and some are deeper, but unfortunately we all have them. Nobody can tell you what to do of course, but I recommend seeking out a counselor that specializes in infertility.

Thanks to resources offered by RESOLVE, I found one in my area and she was amazing. I only saw her once, but that was exactly what I needed - someone who had been down my path and truly understood where I was. She was also able to see where I would be someday, which is something I couldn't visualize at the time.

Yes, I still have moments of grief that creep up on me because I know that I will never be able to conceive, carry, or deliver a child. I will never have the cute pregnant belly that I used to make as a pillow when I was little. I won't be able to share DNA with another human other than my parents.

Even with all of that said, I WILL be a mom. My husband WILL be the father of my children. We will be parents and live and function as any other family out there. I'll miss out on the experience of pregnancy and delivery, but I know the love I have for my child won't be anything less than that of a woman who bore her children. If anything, my love will be a little more special I think. And I can't wait! Plus, as I tell my friends who are currently pregnant, I'll have my baby but "at least my vag won't get all torn up!" :)

The Impossible

2012-01-14T22:03:00.001-06:00

For the past several years, I've driven by the Destination Maternity store along the highway that takes me to and from work each day and thought, "I can't wait to walk in there and buy a cute maternity outfit for myself." Through time it became more painful to drive by that store, yet I still kept that hope of buying that one overpriced maternity outfit for when my time came.

Well, Thursday's drive by caused a small break in the dam. A chink appeared in my armor. I literally looked over to see the store that's awaited me all this time . . . and began sobbing. It only lasted a minute or so but it finally hit me with a finality that I've never quite felt until now. I will NEVER be pregnant. I will NEVER have a baby bump. I will NEVER wear maternity clothes. I will NEVER carry a baby. I will NEVER feel a baby kick inside of me. Nor will I have to announce to DH that I've gone into labor nor deliver a baby nor see the look on DH's face when our baby comes out of my body - not any of it. It will be completely and totally impossible after Tuesday morning. There is no miracle to be had.

(::insert the true insanity of this:: I know it wasn't possible for any of that to happen anyway, but as a female you always hang on to some strange, idiotic thread of hope that miracle might somehow come your way.)

I'm still crying some tears about that fact. Call it hormones, exhaustion, stress, fear or a combination of it all (which it is), but I think I'm experiencing that final stage of grief. I'm going through it and feeling it because I know it needs to happen. I've learned on this path that it makes it worse for me to stuff all of the feelings until I explode. Man, it feels weird. I've been fighting this battle for what feels like so long.

That battle has ended. It's finished. It is truly over, even though I didn't get to win. And I hate losing.

5 Days to Go

2012-01-11T21:17:00.000-06:00

We're in the final countdown. Got vampired today because ???? (Dr. T said).

Ready.
Nervous.
Want the house clean.
Don't want pain.
Want pain meds.
Worried.
Interested.
Wondering how long I'll be down.
Trying to prepare.
Finishing sub plans.
Thinking.

It's just weird. All women are created by God to bear children. I've never done that. I never will (especially after Tuesday). It's not that I even can create and carry and bear a child (stupid body), but it just feels kinda strange. Hope and pray that a selfless woman will at least give me the opportunity to be a Mom.

Going Out with A Bang

2012-01-08T12:23:00.000-06:00

This post is not for the faint of heart or sensitive of ears.

In true "I'm a bitchy, bum ute" fashion, she's going out with a bang. True vengeance as if she knows her fate next week. My final period. Ever. And it's a mutherfucker.

At the risk of grossing out half the world (ha! like I've ever cared), here's my rendition of why ~~I don't want to do this~~ I'm not doing this anymore:
My periods have become ridiculous. I am known for having a high tolerance of pain (even on pain meds & anesthesia), but the cramps now double me over at the drop of a hat. Two hours is all it takes to flood a super-plus tampon, pantiliner, panties, and a pair of jeans while leaving prints of where I sit. The clots are disgusting. The GI issues (nausea, lack of appetite, increase of appetite, increased urination, diarrhea, and even hemorrhoids) are stupid too. And did I tell you that this is my THIRD period like this in SIX WEEKS? Yeah. Stupid, I tell ya.

Get this mean, bloody bitch out of me. Now.

I'm a goner.

An Adoption Story

2012-01-06T19:19:00.001-06:00

I've always loved Kelly Moore camera bags (can’t afford them, but they’re so cute!) and came across this INCREDIBLE video about her recent adoption. The video and story are AMAZING. Wanted to share it with you now that I’ve cleaned myself up from all the tears.

Get Back in That OR!

2012-01-06T13:31:00.001-06:00

My hysterectomy is scheduled for Tuesday, January 17 at the butt-crack of dawn. Yes, my final, big, hoo-ha party with Dr. T other than the annual love fest. I'm having a little bit of mixed emotions about it. I'm *only* 43 and losing my entire reproductive system. I will never have a bio child. How crazy is that thinking? Pretty nuts if you ask me. Of course I will never have a bio child - I HAVE NO EGGS!

I'm also dreading surgery. Again. Granted, I'm doing a laparoscopic hysterectomy and not full abdominal surgery but still . . . the cost, the time, the anesthesia, the pain, the sub plans, the time off work, the cleanup at work after I return, the recovery, more cost, more pain . . . all of that doesn't make it fun. It needs to be done. The pain and flow and frequency of my periods is out of control. Three bad periods in six weeks is a bit much, huh?

Oh well. Let's rip that bitch out!

Goodbye fibroids!
Goodbye adenomyosis!
Goodbye endometriosis!
Goodbye ugly bum ute!
Goodbye tubes! (only things that wever worked)
Goodbye ovaries! (dried up jerks)
Goodbye periods! (BEST part of all!)

And hheeeelllllllloooooooo hormones! Bring on the patch or pill or cream or gel!

Glad I'm having the lap hyst BEFORE we meet our baby! I don't want to be a broken mommy. :)

Forgot About These

2012-01-06T13:11:00.000-06:00

When DH and I visited San Francisco a couple of years ago, we went into a little shop on Tiburon Island. I saw these baby socks and HAD to have them. They are SO CUTE and I can't wait to finally use them!

It's been fun dragging out all of the baby stuff I've had hidden for the past handful of years!

Shopping Day!

2011-12-28T18:56:00.001-06:00

Today was the big day - DH and I went shopping for baby stuff - for OUR baby! :) He was naturally thrilled as you can only imagine. Nothing like a 6'3" dude with a deep voice in a baby store. haha!

Thankfully, my friend Jenn was ~~available to pop my cherry~~ working today and gave us a tour of stuff. After we left her store, we went to two others only to find that baby stuff is baby stuff is baby stuff. You can follow me on Pinterest if you want to see the plethora of baby I've found thus far!

Here are our front runners thus far:

Crib by Munire

Dresser (also by Munire) - will add hutch and use as changing table

Chest (also from Munire collection)

Pack-n-Play by Chicco w/ bassinet & changer

Travel System by Chicco

Thanks to a very generous "down payment" (gift) for our nursery from you know who you are because I know you're reading this!!!! :), we are going to purchase the crib, travel system & PNP for now. Other furniture pieces and baby gear and BABY to follow! I love putting this cart before the horse!

Oh, Santa . . .

2011-12-22T23:31:00.000-06:00

Look at what Santa is putting in DH's stocking this year!

Santa wasn't sure whether he should get blue or pink, so he got both. :) Santa is AWESOME!

Baby Stuff

2011-12-22T10:35:00.002-06:00

I'm all over a good deal. When I saw these, I had to oblige ~~myself~~ our future child.

Seven Slings had a promo code to get this for free and only pay shipping & handling. Why not?!

It also came with that cute pair of striped baby legs!

I also ordered this cute set from Car Seat Canopy using another promo code, paying only $35 + s/h for the "whole caboodle."

I'm not paid to share these companies, but I like their products and wanted to share them with you.

Friends

2011-12-21T22:29:00.000-06:00

In the past five years, I have made many online and IRL friends through online forums while planning our wedding, dealing with RPL, and battling IF. Many of you are reading this right now and we have never met before. However, I've made many wonderful, new friends in the past handful of years.

One of my newest friends is Jenn. I met her through kimarino, who I met online years ago during RPL and IF. While I've never met kimarino IRL, Jenn recently moved to Texas and we've had the chance to meet and develop a friendship. The first time we met, it was for a drug deal. :) Thankfully, I was able to give Jenn the leftover meds that my crusty eggs and bum ute wouldn't ever need again. I hated for them to go to waste and was glad I found someone who needed them.

Usually when I meet complete strangers, I'm a bit nervous beforehand. However, I was so excited to meet Jenn and we sat and ate and drank and chatted like old friends. It was awesome. We are so much alike - for those of you that know me personally, no comments please. :) As I walked in to the restaurant, I was greeted by my new friend bearing a bag full of this for me:

Isn't it awesome??? Our baby has a toy, a sleep sack (so cute!), some diapers, and wipies now! Other than an outfit our friends gave us when we first found out we were pregnant, this is the first baby-related gift I've been given that didn't make me cry. I can't begin to tell you how exciting it was! So not only does our baby have some cool stuff now, but I have made a wonderful friend which is even better. Love you Jenn!

A New Side

2011-12-18T23:58:00.000-06:00

As we are embarking upon adoption, I am seeing a new side of my husband that I've never seen before. It's hard to explain. My husband is very tender-hearted and sensitive but not overly demonstrative (even with me at times) with his feelings. You kind of have to know him to understand what I mean. I'm quite the opposite.

However, he's changing now. For example, him giving me a baby's room book that he'd bought a few years ago. The things he's shared about becoming a parent. Finding a baby puzzle on his amazon wishlist. His feelings about me that have been shared with complete strangers. Sharing his concerns about doing this and doing it "right." Describing his feelings and thoughts about parenting, knowing that he's actually thought of it. The looks of fear/excitement/joy/apprehension in his eyes. And then last night, I go in to his office and he's shopping online for baby stuff and researching it all for safety. :)

Even though he can frustrate the crap out of me, I am so in love with my husband and I know that's just going to grow. I just can't wait to see him as a Daddy. He's going to be amazing. It's going to be so hard but so rewarding. Wow . . .

Coming to you . . .

2011-12-17T23:54:00.000-06:00

LIVE!!!! The home study went just fine - we were on our best behavior as were the dogs. The house was clean and my OCD/panic nature was quelled. The SW told us before she left that she would have our official report completed before Christmas but would call the agency and let them know "there are no concerns and you are ready to be shown." SQQQUUUUEEEEE! (That's me making that sound that I can't stand.)

What's next? We WAIT.

No problem. We're good at that. We've been waiting for almost five years, so we can wait a bit longer for OUR BABY. No matter the wait, we are going to be parents!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOW.

Thanks for all of the comments, love, emails, prayers, messages, etc. They mean the world. xox

Twas the Night Before Home Study

2011-12-16T22:20:00.001-06:00

Twas the night before home study,
And all through the house

Not a creature was stirring
Especially my spouse.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care
In hopes that come next year another would be there.

The dogs were all snoring on couches and beds
While visions of destroying throw pillows danced in their heads.

With Pa looking at every single page of every damn catalog he could possibly find and his office a fire hazardous freaking disaster and his clean laundry on the dining room table and boxes out for no reason and stuff all over the kids' bathroom and papers everywhere and his shoes on the bed and ~~piles of stuff all over and~~ ~~his paperwork not copied and ready I'm sure and~~ . . . I digress . . .

With Pa hanging out and I very stressed,
There's no time for sleep, I'll just need to stay dressed.

When out from the house did not arise any clatter
Other than me running 'round sighing like nothing was the matter.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear
but a half-dressed husband getting himself a beer.

(Fine, it was a piece of chocolate & a nightcap not beer
I'm trying real hard to be poetic here.)

Away through the house I ran like a flash
Cleaning like a mad woman on a twenty-mile dash.

I sighed more and mumbled as I called him a name
Wishing he wasn't a male and driving me insane.

The house doesn't have to be perfect but give me a break
I'm going to take all his crap and burn it at the stake.

If xanax does the trick and helps me sleep like the dead
I can clean even more in the morning and not lose my damn head.

For tomorrow comes a home study with interviews out the ass
I just hope everything goes smoothly and that we pass.

And I heard myself exclaim as I lay down for the night,
"Clean yourself, house, please clean yourself right!"

T -72

2011-12-14T20:03:00.000-06:00

In less than 72 hours, the social worker will be here for our home study. Please keep us in your thoughts and your prayers on Saturday at 3:00pm CST ~~while we lie our asses off~~ (Who am I kidding? Our references did that!) while we show off our home and prove that we will be excellent parents to a baby!

EEEKKKK!!! SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pardon me while I rush off to clean and organize and nest and . . . . . . . .

How did you know?

2011-12-14T18:42:00.001-06:00

:: taps microphone:: Is anyone even reading this thing anymore?? Let me know you're out there if you are!
Someone posted a question on an adoption forum that I read asking, "At what point did you decide enough was enough?" It took me an instant to respond. Here is what I said:

"We tried for over four years to get pg. After three m/c, thousands upon thousands of dollars, six medicated cycles, three failed IUIs and one failed IVF, my body and my heart told me we were done. (gave her link to this blog for background) I had to deal with the grief that I will never carry and deliver a child because that is a biological need I have always felt. Honestly, I was not interested in even discussing adoption for a very long time while DH was ready from the beginning.

However, I now feel this amazing sense of hope and feel more than elated and comfortable that we ARE going to be parents. The biological aspect is such a minute part of what truly makes a family. When/if I lurk on the IF forums/boards, I often think about these poor girls that are so stressed out and putting their bodies and hearts through so much while I'm so excited about being a mommy! I've even started shopping for baby stuff and can look at baby stuff without breaking into an emotional mess.

So . . . you may or may not just "know" when you're ready. After our last cycle failed and I knew a bio child would not happen, I found a counselor through RESOLVE. I only met with her a couple of times, but all I needed to was to talk to someone who truly understood. Then, I was able to move forward.

Hope that doesn't all sound like a rambling mess, but I know in my heart and have faith that we will be parents soon and God has an amazing future for us and our family. GL to you!"

Could we have tried IVF again? Probably not. I was on the strongest protocol available (i.e., most amount of medication one can take), and I didn't even produce one viable egg for retrieval.

Could we have gone with donor eggs? Probably. It was recommended by the RE.

So . . . why didn't we go with DE? I got to the point that I couldn't trust my body (still can't/don't). It hasn't worked for me time and time again, so I found it stupid to spend all that money and put all of my hope into something that my past history had shown probably wouldn't work. Now knowing what I know about my jacked (and soon to be removed) bum ute, I am so thankful that we didn't even make the attempt.

Don't know if I ever really discussed here as what got us to "that point" - the end of our TTC road. Feel free to ask me any questions that you have though.

Victor Maitland

2011-12-12T21:15:00.000-06:00

I have a Victor Maitland.

See it? Do you??? THAT, my friends, is the "Victor Maitland." Freaking hormones breaking out my face like a teenager and/or Victor Maitland. (In case you don't know recognize the name, it is from a character in the movie "Beverly Hills Cop.")

They're Here!

2011-12-07T16:12:00.001-06:00

Our profile books arrived today! We are getting closer & closer to becoming parents. I cannot wait to meet our baby!!!!!!!!

Name That Baby

2011-12-06T22:26:00.000-06:00

Last night as DH and I were ready to go to sleep, we started talking about baby names. I told him that we need to get some ideas together since we have no idea when our baby will come to us.

He is still saying that "Peristalsis Cleopatra Phoenix" is his girl name. I could kill him even though I know he's joking, so I'm playing along with huge, hearty laughs for now. Before falling asleep, I had DH yell her name. From the bedroom DH's deep booming voice calls, "Peristalsis Cleopatra Phoenix _______ (last name), get in here!!!!!" I almost pissed my pants. I told him that name didn't work for me. (Thank goodness.)

Then I had him call for my (fake) boy name, "Nebuchadnezzar Pertussis ______ (last name), hey NEBY, get in here!" Crazyass thought it was cute. I won't kill him in his sleep. Then he calls, "Robitussin!" Dear Lord in Heaven . . .

So, what have we gained from our second ever baby naming discussion? This Mommy-to-be leans more towards the traditional while Daddy-to-be leans more towards non-traditional. Being that both of us are educators, this could be a difficult process.

I have a solution - let me name our children. Problem solved! :)

Isn't It Ironic?

2011-12-02T16:47:00.000-06:00

On my way home from work today, I stopped by an estate sale in my neighborhood. As I entered the almost emptied-out home, standing before me was a HUGELY pregnant woman and her husband. Like any good infertile would do, I walked the opposite direction. Little did I know we would connect around the wall!

So, like any good infertile would do again, I tried to get around the very pregnant woman as she and her husband talked about "baby Benjamin" and how he really didn't need any free weights since they had some at the house. Upon my pending escape before I vomited in my mouth a little, I found myself practically slammed against a wall where TWO books lay on a table. This was on top:

I grabbed it and ran out of there, paying my $0.50 along the way. Isn't it ironic? I really do think . . .

Like Old Home Week

2011-12-01T21:57:00.001-06:00

I had my annual appointment with Dr. Terrific today, and it was like going home after a long time away. Crazy enough, it was good to see everyone. It had been so long! Dr. T and Nurse Excellent were there but Nurse Amazing had the day off. I'm sure she'll be sad she missed us (me & my ute). Dr. T was his typical goofy self, talking half the time in some bastardized version of English/Irish he made up on the fly. You just learn not to ask . . . :)

I went in with my typical barrage of questions and concerns and need for Rx refills, and as always, everything was addressed. My main concern was that my periods have become almost unbearable since our failed IVF. Because you know I love TMI, my periods have lasted a week with massive bleeding and clotting and hellish cramps. A super plus tampon is lucky to survive two hours during the three-day heavy part of my cycle.

Therefore, we are looking at a hysterectomy. Since the ~~Englishman~~ doctor knows I don't need my uterus anymore, it's a good option because things will only get worse from here. I'm doing my research, but a laparoscopic hysterectomy is most likely going to be the best solution. A full hysterectomy that takes my uterus and ovaries but leaves the cervix intact. Done by Dr. T and maybe a robot (who better not be English or Irish!). And I'm okay with it. Get rid of the bad shit and avoid ovarian cancer while rubbing on hormone cream or wearing a patch to get me fixed.. Considering my hormones are out of whack, why not?

I just thought this pic was great & wanted to include it!

After a short time with the "dick stick", aka vaginal u/s, it was determined that my bum ute is dealing with adenomyosis, endometriosis, and more fibroids. (God bless America, don't look at the fibroid pics on that link. Gag!) Dr. Terrific, in his worst accent of course, said, "By God, get that bloody piece of crap out 'a there!" Geez - crazy dude.

Because of these issues, an endometrial ablation is probably not the best answer for me. DH and I are talking about the best option for me/us and we'll make a decision soon, even though I think our decision is made. It's just a timing issue at this point and I'll probably need to look at paying for more effing medical costs again. (Poor baby might now get new nursery furniture - ha!)

But don't worry my dear followers and loves . . . my barren uterus will be more than barren, but it will continue here to ramble on and on and on. You know, I'm gonna be a Mommy someday! Woohoo!

Checklist

2011-11-29T20:23:00.000-06:00

Application complete & submitted - check!
Family Record Report complete & submitted - check!
Background Check - check!
Documentation - check!
Deposit - check!
Profile Book to print - check!
Marketing flier complete & submitted - check!
Marketing flier printed & laminated - to do
Floor plan of house - to do
Home study - scheduled!

We're almost there, my friends!

Prisoner

2011-11-29T14:11:00.000-06:00

. . . and it's finally not too bad of a place to be . . .

Almost There

2011-11-19T14:12:00.000-06:00

I just emailed our "marketing flier" to the agency! It was scary to hit send because I constantly second-guess my wording, panic that the computer changed my spelling & grammar, and worry that one line will be out of place. Call it attention to detail or OCD - I don't care. No matter what, DH and I are really proud of what we are presenting to potential birth mothers.

When talking to my dear friend Sarah (who is the mother of my lil' Goddaughter, Payton!) this morning, she asked, "Do you feel like a weight has been lifted?" Her timing was impeccable, as I had just been thinking of the exact feelings this morning. I feel like there has been a huge brick atop my heart for almost five years and it is finally cracked. It's doubtful that brick will be lifted until we bring our baby home and begin to live as a family, but that brick is definitely lighter and different than ever before.

And it feels good . . .

So Essited!

2011-11-17T23:01:00.000-06:00

I know that it should be spelled EXCITED but some of you - we'll see who exactly - will get the joke!

Our marketing flier for the adoption agency is done! I finished it tonight, uploaded it into a pdf, and will print and laminate copies this weekend. I'm sending our profile book to print on Saturday, too. As soon as both of those are in the hands of the agency, they can be in the hands of potential birth mothers. We will then be LIVE with the agency!

This next week (while in the midst of preparing the house and cooking for our first Thanksgiving in our home) I will be organizing, cleaning out a BUNCH of stuff (sshhh - don't tell DH!), making trips to Goodwill & storage, getting the baby's room ready for future decorating, gathering final paperwork to submit, researching child care, confirming health insurance, and getting ready for our home study. One benefit of adopting - I can still enjoy my wine while expecting. :)

But before I digress, I shall sleep . . . for someday I will wish I had more of it!

And So It Begins

2011-11-14T18:27:00.000-06:00

It's 3:00am. You are in a deep sleep in your comfortable bed. You've been asleep for hours and still have a couple of hours left before the alarm. Sounds nice, huh?

Suddenly, you JOLT awake thinking, "OMG. Child care! Day care or home sitter? I need to call "L" about her sitter. Wonder if there is anyone in the neighborhood? Who does J use? Isn't there a new school opening near the house? What about my work day care? I have so much to do. There's just so much."

::Cue random songs flying through my head along with a list of things to do that continues to grow like water on Gremlins.:: Sleep finally returns less than one hour before the alarm sounds.

Is this God's way of preparing me for Mommyhood?

Book-in-Waiting

2011-11-13T09:25:00.001-06:00

DH gave me this when I got home from work yesterday. Poor guy said he bought it for me a few years ago and was glad we could use it now. I can't wait for him to be a Daddy!

Agency Meeting #1

2011-11-12T15:38:00.002-06:00

Last night, DH and I met with the adoption agency. Our agency rep was awesome & shared with us every tiny detail of what the process is to adopt a baby. Between all of the info, the constant talking of the rep & me, I can say that DH's eyes most likely rolled back into his head a few times or more during our 2.5 hour meeting. We learned that both of the agency owners and I are sorority sisters. If you know DH personally, you'll know how much that thrilled him. ;)

Both DH and I passed our background checks (whew!). We submitted our application, family record report, documentation of various things (DL, SS cards, birth certs, insurance, etc.), and paid our down payment. We still have a few documents to submit - marriage license, divorce decree from DH's practice marriage, floor plan of house - before a baby can actually come home with us. The agency is waiting to receive our references. Our profile book will be finished when I add photos of our home and some nursery ideas. We'll take that information and create a flier about us which can be given to potential BMs. (**new acronym alert**) In the meantime, we can schedule our home study which will take place in the next couple of weeks. (Can you say CLEAN & organize?????)

Within the next week or two, the agency will be presenting us to potential BMs and we can look forward to becoming parents in the near future. A match and/or placement could be anywhere between two days and two years, but typical time is around six to ten months.

It all seems like it's moving so fast right now, so I know the wait for our baby will feel extra long! The amount of love and support we've already received from family and friends is amazing. We are so excited and very happy with our decision and where we are right now. What a change it is.

P . A . P . E . R . W . O . R . K.

2011-11-10T23:01:00.000-06:00

HELP! WE'RE DROWNING!!!

There is lots & lots of paperwork being completed in the House of Ramblers tonight. Our first in-person meeting with the adoption agency. My goal - if I'm lucky - is to have all of our application paperwork complete and documentation provided - so we can hand over all the paperwork, our profile book, and deposit!

This whole becoming parents thing might actually happen! It's just so WEIRD.

Crazy Little Thing Called Hope

2011-11-06T20:03:00.000-06:00

Can't believe I bought this today. I had no clue what brand to buy, but I knew that newborn size was correct!

The adoption agency said to start preparing, so I am. EEEKKK!!!

Please Help Us

2011-10-29T19:00:00.000-05:00

This is Pippin and Steve. We found our Mom's blog and learned how to type with our paws. We are ready to share. We think it's time for a human baby around the house. Can you please help????

I might be as sweet as a banana split, but I'm only dressed like this because of my Mom.

I refuse to even look at the camera.

Nagging Feelings

2011-10-29T18:52:00.000-05:00

I've been surrounded more than usual lately by many wonderful friends that are blessed to be pregnant or having babies. I'm happy for them because I truly know what a miracle pregnancy and childbirth can be. Yet, I have also been feeling a little more down than usual about the fact that I will never be pregnant or give birth to a child. Then it hit me . . .

Had our IVF cycle been successful, we would have a baby now. Oh well.

Why, Hello

2011-10-15T23:59:00.001-05:00

I know that I've been absent from bloggy land for a while. Sorry if you've been waiting ~~with bated breath~~ for my return. As I told you in August, my brother was in the hospital. And he STILL is there. Thank God he is going to live, but he is still in the hospital trying to heal and regain strength. Thanks for you prayers. It's okay to keep them coming.

Work (school) has been so incredibly busy for me. Between teaching a new grade level and meetings and changes and everything else happening, I am SPENT. I am blessed to have such an amazing DH who understands that I'm exhausted from work, hospital visits/time, and my commute. After all of that, I spent a few waking moments with him as I can.

On the baby front . . . we are still not parents . . . yet. After we finally complete the mounds of paperwork for adoption, we will officially sign with an agency, get background checks, fingerprints, homestudy, and THEN be ready to become family.

That's all we want.

Remembering

2011-10-15T23:52:00.000-05:00

October 15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Today I remember ours and yours.

Urgent Prayers Please

2011-08-21T20:41:00.000-05:00

I posted on my other blog that my brother and our family need your prayers right now.

You Know You're . . .

2011-08-10T12:36:00.000-05:00

You know you're a habitual aborter and infertile when you clean out some of your hidden "baby stash" and find FIVE CANS and three travel packs of expired formula. Oops. I sincerely apologize to the starving infants of third-world countries.

Next up: expired medications filling the refrigerator drawers.

Article: When Enough is Enough

2011-08-05T10:25:00.000-05:00

RESOLVE has posted a wonderful article for anyone struggling with IF and wondering when that elusive end-point will be. It discusses how treatments take over your lives, the emotional roller coasters, anger, isolation from family and friends, and the toll it can take on a marriage. Hope vs. time . . . the constant tug-of-war . . . is discussed before the article talks about moving on from treatments and deciding what to do from there.

Even if you aren't struggling with IF, it is a good read to help you understand what your loved ones may experience along their road to family.

The Reason

2011-07-24T20:57:00.002-05:00

This explains the past 4 years and four months of my life. Thanks for sharing it, S. You are one of the ones who know it, too.

Do you hear that?

2011-07-13T00:14:00.000-05:00

I know you're used to the sound of chirping crickets around here lately. Honestly, I don't have much to say these days. Don't worry, I'm not living in a hole underground somewhere or anything extra weird like that. When you aren't TTC (it's kinda difficult to create a baby when you have no eggs) then a fertility/infertility blog becomes a place where there isn't much to say! Add in a much-needed summer vacation, and our focus is elsewhere.

It's been hard - REALLY hard - and I'm still not completely through it all. It's just a weird place to be in these days after being hard-core focused on procreating for over four years. It's also difficult to be in a ~~holding pattern~~ dead standstill while everyone around you (fertile & non-fertile alike) continues to get pregnant, have babies, and repeat the process more than once while we wait for just ONE. Just one tiny, little baby . . .

However, we are not finished in our quest for family. Currently looking into adoption and/or donor eggs, there are definite options out there to help us become more than just a Mr. & Mrs. with two dogs. I've been working through my grief and frustration in knowing that my DNA stops here. There will be more counseling once we makes some decisions about where to go from here. In one way, it's relieving. In another, it's scary as hell.

I'm used to scary as hell, so we'll keep moving forward. Don't be a stranger (i.e. say hi & let me know you were here!), and I'll be back to rambling away in no time!

Father's Day

2011-06-20T00:32:00.000-05:00

Oh, Father's Day Smather's Day. Yet another year that my crappy body doesn't allow my husband to be a father. Hopefully the huge bottle of bourbon from the dogs helps to take the sting out of it for him. Better than an ugly tie - maybe.

PMDD?

2011-06-15T23:48:00.000-05:00

I had an OB/gyn once tell me that I had PMDD. I don't believe him. He must've caught me on a bad day or something. I'm really just a crazy, emotional, psychotic bitch no matter what time of the month it is.

- Deep Thoughts by kekis

IF-Free Zone

2011-06-08T15:23:00.000-05:00

I oftentimes finding myself in a debate with my own self:
"Do I post _____ on my FR blog or on our blog?"

"Should _____ be on my FR blog?"

"Nah, maybe I should post _____ on our blog instead."

"I shouldn't post _____ on our blog. Someone might be uncomfortable (gasp!)."
"Should I post this on any blog or just shut up?"

Not much (okay, nothing) is happening in our IF journey right now other than some discussions, so I haven't had much to say anyway. Well, thanks to the awesome Keiko, she gave me the reminder that I can post whatever I want, wherever I want, whenever I want. She has an "IF-Free Zone" label on her blog, and I'm going to so the same. Her explanation is better than I could share, so give it a read.

Sometimes it gets old having to talk about IF and listening about IF all the time. Thanks, Keiko!

Prayers Needed

2011-06-08T13:37:00.001-05:00

Your prayers are needed for the daughter of a fellow infertile. I "met" Lindsey on an online infertility forum a couple of years ago when becoming a family was simply a dream for both of us. The dream that Lindsey and her husband, Alex, had finally came true with the birth of their pretty daughter Kate a little over nine months ago.

Precious little Kate was diagnosed on Monday with Congenital Amegakaryocytic Thrombocytopenia, a failure in the genetic makeup of her bone marrow. She is going to require a complete bone marrow transplant ASAP. This would undoubtedly shatter any parents to the core, but Lindsey & Alex are prepared for battle to help their daughter.

Infertility sucks. For many, the pain is eased into joy with the birth of a child. But to overcome IF and then find yourself in yet another battle - one that involves the life of your child? That's beyond unfair.

More information and details will be coming on Lindsey & Alex's blog, but you can begin by including Kate in your fervent prayers. Share her story with you family, friends, and church groups. Ask them to pray. Let us blanket this family in prayer for as long as they need it. You and others you know can register with the National Marrow Donor Program. Help however you feel led, but let's all do something.

Include this button on your blog, and ask your readers to pray.

To include this linkable pic on your blog or website, simply paste this code into the HTML of your site and replace the red asterisks with < and > for the opening and closing asterisks.

*a href="http://alexandlindsey.blogspot.com" target="_blank"* *img alt="We're Finally Three" src="http://bit.ly/mUH1l4"/*

30 Day Blog Challenge

2011-05-14T18:33:00.000-05:00

Uhhhh . . . yeah . . . the 30 day blog challenge. I'm still doing it. I'm just not doing it for 30 days in a row. :) Let us get over being sick at the same time & through the rest of the school year, and I'll get back to it.

Interesting . . .

2011-05-10T17:27:00.000-05:00

I saw a friend posted this as her FB status today: "One reason we struggle with insecurity: We're comparing our behind the scenes to everyone else's highlight reel."

That loaded statement now has me thinking of how it applies to me, to us, to our family (and lack thereof). Our behind the scenes is what matters. Mr. & Mrs. Rambler, in our home - our lives - our relationship - that's what matters to us. Everything else (including having children) is just added footage to our story. It's sometimes hard to remember that when we are in the throes of tragedy, difficulty, frustration, grief, stress, etc. Day-to-day existence takes our eyes away from the "prize" whatever it may be. We all know our "prize" and the importance of focusing on that.

Forget the insecurity that is bred from comparing our current selves to others. Everyone has a few different people within one - the wife, the worker, the infertile, the online friend, the IRL friend, the patient, the daughter, the sister, the aunt, and more. There are many hats we all wear as our individual selves. So, in the end, what really matters? That is what we need to remember. And I work every day to remind myself of that.

Happy Blogaversary!

2011-05-08T11:04:00.000-05:00

Today is the THIRD Blogaversary of these Fertile Ramblings! The irony of our blogaversary being the same day as Mother's Day is not lost on me. Some of you are celebrating your moms, some are missing your moms, some are celebrating as moms, and some are hating today because we aren't moms. Most of us are doing a combination of two or more of those.

I swear that I was wished a "Happy Mother's Day" by every damn Tom, Dick, Harry and their wives, cousins and friends EVERY single place I went yesterday. Seriously? Just because I am tired, fat, and wearing a wedding ring doesn't mean I'm a mom. I came home and told Mr. Rambler that I wondered how people would react if I responded with, "Oh, EFF Mother's Day!" (insert evil, cheeky laugh) I'll chalk that response up in the same column as kicking stupid people in the head and proper society's other unacceptable reactions to dumb shit.

Thanks for being along this ~~shitty, interesting, boring, unfun, ridiculous, tragic, stupid, frustrating, terrible~~ rambling ride with me for the past few years. No telling what the years ahead will bring (believe me, I have not a clue), but I appreciate all of you being along the ride with us.

It's finally time for me to shut up so we can celebrate! Have some cake - as much as you like - and celebrate today's blogaversary with whatever you're doing today. Oh, and don't forget the wine!!!!

In Case You Didn't Know

2011-05-05T22:55:00.000-05:00

It costs a LOT more to not have a baby than it does to have one. Hope you enjoyed that insightful PSA.

You're welcome.

30 Day Blogging Challenge: Day 2

2011-04-27T11:39:00.000-05:00

10 years from now . . . That's such a loaded one for me! If you would've asked me ten years ago what I'd be doing in ten years, I would've given you the white picket fence treatment. Funny how life doesn't go as you plan.

Where I see us ten years from now is happy, content, one to two children (by some means), busy, DH working as a principal, and I'm sure I'll still be ~~stuck in the classroom~~ teaching.

We will still have some furry entertainment (though the thought of Steve & Pippin gone makes me want to crawl in a hole & die). Some improvements to the house will have been made - complete kitchen redo, new cabinets & countertops in the bathrooms, maybe a new addition to the house.

I worry so much about losing loved ones that I try not to look too far into the future. Our jobs are secure. Our relationship is secure. Our family is amazing. Our pets are awesome.

Bottom line is that in 10 years, I want us to be living the life that we are meant to live and living it to its fullest.

Infertility from A to Z

2011-04-23T19:50:00.000-05:00

A - Age at Which you Started TTC: 39

B - Baby Dancing or Sex: Sex

C - Children Wanted: 2

D - Dogs/Cats/Fill In Babies: 2 dogs at home, 7 nieces and 3 nephews at their homes

E - Essential Oils/Vitamins: I take a prenatalvitamin, vitamin D, COQ10, POM, bromelin

F - Fertility Meds I've Taken: Femara, Menopur, Progesterone, Gonal-F, Lupron, PNV, folic acid, dexamethasone, aspirin, and probably some others I don't remember.

G - Gain, What I have Gained from Infertility: Besides a bunch of weight and a broken heart? Hhhmmm . . .

H - HSG: Yes

I - Infertile Pet Peeve: People who open their fat mouths without knowing anything about IF. Just STFU if you don't know what you're talking about please.

J - Job Title: Teacher

K - Kids Names you are Afraid will be Taken: At age 43, most are gone & I refuse to share my ideas just in case.

L - Lengh of Time TTC: over 4 years

M - Miscarriages: 3

N - Number of Times you have Swiched REs: 2

O - Ovarian Quality: My ovaries are fine but basically depleted of any eggs

P - POAS or Wait for AF: Nothing like peeing on everything you can.

Q - Quote from an Obnoxious Fertile: You don't really want kids, do you?! I'd do anything to sleep in just one day.

S - Sperm: I don't have any. DH has plenty.

T - Time you Tried Naturally: over 1 year

U - Uterus Quality: Still there and bleeds like a mother every 28 days.

V - Vagina: Surprisingly hasn't died after all the surgeries, u/s, AFs and TTC.

W - What Baby Stuff do you Already Have: I'd have to go look at everything hidden under the bed & I refuse to do that. I know we have a couple of outfits, bottles, formula, diaper bag, formula bag, nursing cover, maternity clothes & more

X - Xtra, Xtra, Hear all about it! How many people know about your TTC Journey: Practically everyone.

Y - Yearly Exam: Always.

Z - Zits: Think I may just get back on the pill so my skin will clear up. It's been AWFUL except for when I was doing IVF meds.

Remembering

2011-04-21T21:30:00.000-05:00

My friend Jen posted this on her Facebook tonight, and it made so much sense - a sense that only those who have lost a baby could understand.

"A miscarriage is a natural and common event. All told, probably more women have lost a child from this world than haven't. Most don't mention it, and they go on from day to day as if it hadn't happened, so people imagine a woman in this situation never really knew or loved what she had.

But ask her sometime: how old would your child be now? And she'll know."

~ Barbara Kingsolver (Animal Dreams)

Do you remember? I do - 3 years & 4 months, 3 years & 1 month, and 2 years & 4 months.

Because Everyone's Doing It

2011-04-20T14:56:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I know . . . "If everyone jumped off a building, would you do it, too?" The answer is maybe. Guess it would depend on who is jumping. :)

I first saw the 30 Days of Blogging challenege on Susan's blog. Since then, everyone else seems to be doing it as well. So, yes, I am jumping off a bloggy building with everyone. Deal with it.

Why don't you join us and do it too?! Feel free to borrow my list and post it on your blog. Let me know if you are taking the challenge by leaving a comment and/or linking back here, so we all can read your ramblings.

Day 1: My Current Relationship

This is easy. I'm married to Mr. Rambler. We've been married for four years and ten days. We dated for almost 3 1/2 years before we married. We shacked for a little over 2 of those years. I went into the ugly cry when he proposed. He's almost 6'4". I mean, what am I really supposed to write? Guess I better do some digging.

My DH is a man of such strong character. He always does the right thing because it's the right thing to do. He is by no means perfect, but he is perfect for me. He is patient with me. Sometimes he even thinks I'm funny (which I AM!). He is very tender-hearted whether it always shows or not. He LOVES Christmas. It's all I can do to keep him away from the Christmas decor until Thanksgiving is over. The love he shows for our pets is amazing. I know that he will be a good father, and I hope and pray that happens. Not only do I want a baby/family, he does as well. I cannot wait to see him as a Daddy. I could cry just thinking about it.

So, as I bring this ramble to a close, my current relationship is my relationship with my husband. This is something I cherish more than anything in the world. We are a family. DH, me, Pippin & Steve. We hope to enlarge that family - some way, some how.

Making Us Stronger

2011-04-16T20:34:00.001-05:00

I found this on Marc & Angel's Hack Life Blog. It came at a good time as I'm dealing with some anxiety coupled with snippets of grief about life and IF. The blog post shares some very good points of "harsh truths" that many of us have learned (sometimes the hard way), need to learn, or will learn.

It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them, more strength to relate to people than to dominate them, more manhood (or womanhood) to abide by thought-out principles rather than blind reflex. Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles and an immature mind.
- Alex Karras

16 Harsh Truths that Make Us Stronger

Life is not easy. – Hard work makes people lucky – it’s the stuff that brings dreams to reality. So start every morning ready to run farther than you did yesterday and fight harder than you ever have before. (Read The Road Less Traveled.)
You will fail sometimes. – The faster you accept this, the faster you can get on with being brilliant. You’ll never be 100% sure it will work, but you can always be 100% sure doing nothing won’t work. So get out there and do something! Either you succeed or you learn a vital lesson. Win – Win.
Right now, there’s a lot you don’t know. – The day you stop learning is the day you stop living. Embrace new information, think about it and use it to advance yourself.
There may not be a tomorrow. – Not for everyone. Right now, someone on Earth is planning something for tomorrow without realizing they’re going to die today. This is sad but true. So spend your time wisely today and pause long enough to appreciate it.
There’s a lot you can’t control. – Wasting your time, talent and emotional energy on things that are beyond your control is a recipe for frustration, misery and stagnation. Invest your energy in the things you can control.
Information is not true knowledge. – Knowledge comes from experience. You can discuss a task a hundred times, but these discussions will only give you a philosophical understanding. You must experience a task firsthand to truly know it.
You can’t be successful without providing value. – Don’t waste your time trying to be successful, spend your time creating value. When you’re valuable to the world around you, you will be successful. (ReadLinchpin: Are You Indispensable?)
Someone else will always have more than you. – Whether it’s money, friends or magic beans that you’re collecting, there will always be someone who has more than you. But remember, it’s not how many you have, it’s how passionate you are about collecting them. It’s all about the journey.
You can’t change the past. – As Maria Robinson once said, “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” You can’t change what happened, but you can change how you react to it.
The only person who can make you happy is you. – The root of your happiness comes from your relationship with yourself. Sure external entities can have fleeting effects on your mood, but in the long run nothing matters more than how you feel about who you are on the inside.
There will always be people who don’t like you. – You can’t be everything to everyone. No matter what you do, there will always be someone who thinks differently. So concentrate on doing what you know in your heart is right. What others think and say about you isn’t all that important. What is important is how you feel about yourself.
You won’t always get what you want. – As Mick Jagger once said, “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you might find you get what you need.” Look around. Appreciate the things you have right now. Many people aren’t so lucky.
In life, you get what you put in. – If you want love, give love. If you want friends, be friendly. If you want money, provide value. It really is this simple. (Read The Four Agreements.)
Good friends will come and go. – Most of your high school friends won’t be a part of your college life. Most of your college friends won’t be a part of your 20-something professional life. Most of your 20-something friends won’t be there when your spouse and you bring your second child into the world. But some friends will stick. And it’s these friends – the ones who transcend time with you – who matter.
Doing the same exact thing every day hinders self growth. – If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting. Growth happens when you change things – when you try new things – when you stretch beyond your comfort zone.
You will never feel 100% ready for something new. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises. Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means you won’t feel totally comfortable or ready for it.

And remember, trying to be someone else is a waste of the person you are. Strength comes from being comfortable in your own skin.

Update on Refund

2011-04-11T13:00:00.000-05:00

I sent a very concise and curt, yet polite, email to the office manager and medical director (Dr. S) of my former IVF clinic this morning. In making my point I *may* have mentioned something about my attorney and the Better Business Bureau. Dr. S did mention in an email forwarded to my by their administrative offices that they "do not need any negative publicity."

Miraculously enough, our check was cut this morning. That, and Dr. S must know I have a big mouth. :)

A New Look & a Bad Attitude

2011-04-09T15:01:00.000-05:00

If you are using a reader, you won't be able to see what I've done, so open it up to check it out! I decided that this old, rusty blog needed a new look. Hope your eyes can handle it better than the last one I had.

Other than that, I am past the point of upset with Dr. S' office. If you can remember back to December of last year (yes, that would four months ago in 2010), our IVF never happened. We still have yet to see our refund of monies. My bad attitude about it all will be thrown on paper in a few moments and sent to Ms. K and Dr. S.. If a check for close to $10K isn't in my hands by Wednesday, I will be forced to contact my attorney and the BBB. We want our money back NOW. It's bad enough that we don't have a baby, but to take our money . . . this is ridiculous.

My FIRST Baby!

2011-04-05T22:53:00.000-05:00

Our precious boy.

Seven years ago today, my (then) boyfriend & now DH, brought home a tote bag from work. His dog, Mackey, was very interested in that bag and began to sniff it and check it out. Soon after, a tiny white puppy peeked out his head to meet his new brother.

I received a call at my house from my then boyfriend (this was before we were living in sin) telling me he "had a surprise." I instantly knew what that meant. "You got that puppy, didn't you?" I asked, wondering why in God's green Earth someone would want TWO dogs. :)

I went over to what is now our house to meet this teensy little fellow named Steve. He was PRECIOUS - a tiny, white, curious, sweet smelling boy with razor sharp teeth and deadly sharp claws. My heart changed from that day on A love for this sweet boy that I could not describe developed so quickly and intensely. (For the record, I was falling in love with my future husband, too - ha!) Steve and his mom had an instant bond that continues today. With my heart so full, I can ONLY begin to imagine the kind of love a mother has for her human child. It may sound crazy, but that's the kind of dog mom I am.

My precious baby dog was a funny, silly, naughty, crazy, energetic, sweet boy then just as he is today. Except now his 122 pound body is a little heavier at age 7 than it was as a handful of pounds at 4.5 weeks!

Happy "Gotcha" Day, Steve. I love you, my "tiny manz."

Steve at school with his new Dad, just before coming home for the first time.

Mom & Baby Stevie - LOVE at first sight!

Mackey (who was about 35 lbs. then) with Steve - now over 120 lbs.!

"A bath? I just got here!" (cue sad eyes) Love the soap beard!

I loved to climb my Mom and gnaw on her tasty hair.

I could finally reach the tall food bowl. I was now a big boy!

So True (I Hope)

2011-04-01T14:07:00.001-05:00

We take what God gives us and we say, "Thank You," and sometimes the life we're given is better than anything we could have planned for ourselves. ~ "4LittleDucks"

What I've Done

2011-03-27T19:19:00.000-05:00

I'm cheating and borrowing from Ashley Ann at Ash Rants for this post. Everything below in bold, I've done. I would like to do many more than I have! Copy this on to your own blog & bold the things you’ve done if you like.

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland (Disney World)
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo (Car & shower don't count, right? Oh, it means in front of other people, huh?!)
11. Bungee jumped (Will NEVER do this.)
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run (I suck at baseball.)
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
86. Visited the White House (Driven by it, but I don't think that counts.)
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Got a tattoo
94. Had a baby (Well, isn't this a funny one?)
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

Goodbye

2011-03-22T12:07:00.000-05:00

After a long and excruciating internal battle, I made the decision last night to put my cat, Mindy, to sleep today. She was getting weaker by the minute, and I did not want her to suffer needlessly. I first adopted Mindy as a tiny six-week old little girl over eighteen years ago.

I held her and was with her until after she was gone. We spent some alone time this morning - just Mindy and her Mama - with me holding her, loving her, talking to her, stroking her fur, and crying over her. I gave her a couple of teaspoons of ice cream, which she delightfully ate. Then, I held her as I blanketed her in a comfy towel and drove to the vet's office. For the first time EVER, she did not move, cry, or make a sound while in the car. The doctor took Mindy back and put a little catheter in her leg. When the doctor brought her back to me, I cradled my blanketed little baby and spoke sweetly to her while the doctor injected the meds that let her sleep peacefully for good.

I am now devastated by her absence and can't believe she is gone.

My awesome friend, Joyce, sent me this poem which gives me some peace as I grieve. Thanks again, Joyce.

When The Time Comes

If I should be that I grow frail and weak
And pain should keep me from my sleep,
Then will you do what must be done,
For this--the last battle--can't be won.

You will be sad I understand
But don't let grief then stay your hand,
For on this day, more than the rest,
Your love and friendship must stand the test.

We have had so many happy years,
You wouldn't want me to suffer so.
When the time comes,
Please, let me go.

Take me to where my needs they'll tend,
Only, stay with me till the end
And hold me firm and speak to me
Until my eyes no longer see.

I know in time you will agree
It is a kindness you do to me.

Although my tail its last has waved,
From pain and suffering I have been saved

Don't grieve that it must be you
Who has to decide this thing to do;
We've been so close--we two-- these years,
Don't let your heart hold any tears.

Author Unknown

Your Turn

2011-03-14T23:36:00.000-05:00

It's Spring Break and my plan is to relax. Since I'll be so busy trying to relax, then I can't come up with any blogging ideas. Therefore, all of you get to take over. Ask me questions or give me random topics, and I promise to do some rambling. If you provide, then I will fulfill to the best of my ability (albeit pathetic of late!).

Go ahead . . . It's your turn.

Four Years Ago Today

2011-03-10T04:12:00.005-06:00

We said, "I do."

And, boy, have we! DH and I have been through more in our four years than most married couples experience in decades or even a lifetime - miscarriage, infertility, becoming caretaker to a parent, losing family and friends, losing a beloved pet, home renovations, family emergencies, surgeries, stress, job changes, and more. However, I can't imagine going through any of it without my husband.

Even though we've been through a lot, there is more ahead of us. Our story is still in . . .

Used? No. Abused? Maybe.

2011-03-02T17:56:00.001-06:00

An infertility board I frequent had a post today that made me think about thinks and respond in what may be an unpopular way. Don't know if my view is different than others, but I don't really care. The question posed on the forum asked something to the effect of this --- If women (regulars) on the board felt used by some women who rarely frequent the board and offer little support but may often ask for help/ask questions. I responded with my little diatribe below:

After my long shittay day, I'm just getting to catch up on today's posts. In response to the basic question, my answer is NO. I do not feel used. For some ladies, this may be the only resource they have for information. I don't care if they have 5 posts or 5000 posts. Without getting religious here, I feel like part of the reason I'm going through all of this crap is to help others in the same situation.

Now, if it's some drive-by bfp, then those ladies can just go fvck themselves for being stupid, rude, and insensitive. The thought that a bunch of women struggling with IF would be overjoyed for a complete stranger, then that's just craziness.

I've been at this for what will be four years next week. I've been through hell and back and through it again (as most of us have). I was around before we championed the start of this board, and I'm still here. Yes, I wish I weren't, but there isn't a whole lot I can do about it outside of tons of money I don't have for a GC or by stealing a baby.

We are all at different points in our own journeys, and who am I to judge who "needs" the most support? I don't need more friends (I have a ton); I've been in a sorority; I went through high school, and all of that stuff. While, yes, there are some circles of women that are closer than others, that's life. People are going to click with some better than others. We are all adults here & I would only expect that behavior. If someone comes here in hopes of getting answers that we can't give them, then so be it. They can go ahead and call me (us) mean and bitter. I can't give someone a baby any more than I can make one myself. IMHO, it's all in the approach of what one says and how it is said it. I'm not a b|tch until you piss me off and hurt those I love.

This may come across as a bit crass, but that's okay. I'm not angry or upset by this post. Maybe I'm just old, bitter, and jaded. I know what my future holds and know that my dreams may not come true. However, if I can help other ladies with questions, support, thoughts, resources, or whatever they need, I'll do what I can in the time I have available. That makes it almost a little worth it to be on this sucky road. /diatribe /soapbox

As I said to another member of that board who is an IRL friend, "(Am I) bitter much? Probably. Do I like wine? Definitely." Let's focus on what's important here, people! :)

Marching On

2011-02-27T12:27:00.000-06:00

Oh, March. As a young girl, I always anticipated March as it neared. Each flip of the calendar took us one day closer. Magical March always brought such joy and happiness.

I wish it was the same now.

Instead of being excited about March, I look at it differently as an adult. With age comes disappointment, loss, fear, struggles, and trials. As much as you hope, they are the things that your mom can't just kiss away.
When I was younger, I looked forward to my next birthday, Spring Break, flowers beginning to bloom, things beginning to grow, the weather getting warmer, wearing green and drinking green beer on St. Patrick's Day.

I wish it was the same now.

Those things still happen, but they are different now, just as my world is different now. Age, time, circumstances, and life have taken some (okay, a lot) of that youthful innocence and naivete away from me. Although I know that March still brings us the opportunity to create new memories, I am also haunted by some existing memories. Another year without a baby, another wedding anniversary without a baby, another year to remember our honeymoon when we created our first baby, another year to remember our first bfp, another spring break to remember my third and last miscarriage, another year without my grandmother, Mary and another several weeks in the push to successfully prepare my students for state-mandated testing like I did in the past when I was pregnant.

Yet the grass will begin to get green and flowers and plants will begin to grow and bloom. We will still have a week of respite to re-energize ourselves to get through the rest of the school year. It will get warmer outside. We will celebrate my birthday. We will celebrate our anniversary. We'll dig out something green for St. Patty's Day and maybe enjoy a green beer.

We will continue on this path called life. But it won't be the same . . . at least not to me.

2011-02-23T08:53:00.005-06:00

A Woman's heart is the most delicate and astonishing thing God ever made. It holds the secrets of eternity, corridors to divinity, treasures of solitude, bounties of loyalty and silence to be heard . . .

borrowed from Eternity is relentless!

I've been in a "quotely" mood lately, so check out my Quotes Page for more.

Behind Closed Doors

2011-02-21T20:53:00.000-06:00

There just isn't a lot for me to say these days, but I was thankful to be reminded of this by my daily devotional phone app:

"But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you." Matthew 6:6

On Children

2011-02-12T17:16:00.000-06:00

I heard about this quote today and looked it up. There are some really important points that I think IFers (especially IFers) see/understand in a different way. It's something I needed to hear. I'll be adding this one to my "Quotes" page.

On Children
by Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Inside the Glass

2011-02-09T22:07:00.000-06:00

I'm struggling with the "what-ifs" right now. I can't even put it into words and have it make sense. Unfortunately, this mental game I'm playing in my head isn't a good one. The cyclical "what-ifs" aren't good ones but more of me having an attitude of failure, the attitude of a fatalist. They are all thoughts revolving around us becoming a family - however/if/when that is supposed to happen now. Oh, how I wish I could turn all of these thoughts around into an attitude expecting positive outcomes.

Racked with fear, my mind and my heart race. Sleep doesn't help. Walks in the crisp, wintry air doesn't help. Meds don't help. Alcohol doesn't help. Comfort food doesn't help. Sex doesn't help. Mental escape doesn't help. All of those things that good addicts and other escapists use are no good for me. While some may alleviate it for a short while, I feel that my insides are blanketed. I see through the same eyes, using the same mind, and depending on the same heart, but everything on the insides is blanketed in . . . whatever this is.

It's not depression. I know too well what that feels like. It is a lonely, lonely place. A solitude that nobody - not even those closest to me - can quite comprehend. Just a place where I find myself more often than not. Is it fear? Yes. Is it grief? Probably. Is it sadness? Maybe. Is it fear of loss and/or failure? Always. Is it fear of success? Most likely.

So here I sit inside the glass. From this perspective I can't tell if it's half-full or half-empty. This glass may have absolutely nothing in it, but I just can't tell. I can see everything outside the glass, but I don't know if any can see me from out there. I can scream from within the glass, but I don't think anyone can hear my silent cries. Every now and then, I hear tapping from the outside of my glass. Excitedly, I think it might someone coming to help me, to throw me a life preserver, or to save me. Yet it is most typically just another person who needs something from me. Ha! They think I have something left to give??? So, instead of trying to figure it out, I just keep sitting here. In my glass.

Paralyzed.

Wondering.

Hoping.

Fearing.

Praying.

Dreaming.

But not doing a damn thing about it.

Irony

2011-02-03T23:14:00.002-06:00

Here in Dallas, we are iced in for the fourth day in a row. I think I'm ovulating, but no matter how much time DH and I spend "keeping each other warm", we won't get pregnant. Dang, I'm a teenager's dream! Go me!

Bottom line: We are stuck at home . . . together . . . but we have wine . . . for now!

From Us to You

2011-01-27T15:40:00.000-06:00

We were so busy over the holidays and are now full into the throes of our crazy time of the school year, but I did want to share our Christmas - turned New Year's - almost became Groundhog's Day - card. :) If you read our other blogs, you'll feel like you're having a dejavu! You can click the image to see it in full view.

Our last name (which I removed) was shaded behind our names, so you may notice some flaws around "Kristin, Mindy, Pippin".

Also included was our annual "year in review" on the back of the card. Again, click for full view.

Thank you to everyone who follows and reads this blog. I know it's not always sunshine, rainbows, puppy dogs, and kitty cats, but it's all I have for now. Our journey to become parents is not over, but we are definitely at a fork in the road. It's time for us to make some really big, emotional decisions and (frankly) I'm a little scared and (as always) more than anxious. Like our card said, "No matter what the year ahead brings, we know that we have one another and the love of our family and friends." We hope your 2011 is starting off well and wishing you many blessings along the way!

More Verification of My Insanity

2011-01-23T20:53:00.001-06:00

My mom came over yesterday & we were chatting about everything in the world, just like we always do. She told me an interesting little tidbit. The man who rents a room from my mom & her husband spent the holidays with our family. My mother told this man "JW" to send some photos to his mother since he was not with his own family at Christmas. When JW forwarded the pics to his mom, she inquired the girl in the photos, saying "She looks JUST like ________!" (a friend of JW's mom) My mom said that it appears that I have a twin out there somewhere, which got my mind running amok.

"How old is she?" I asked my mom. (apparently somewhere near my age)
"Where does she live?"
"Are her eyes blue?"
"Sounds like her hair is curly & blonde."
"Is she healthy?"
"Is she fertile?"

"Does she have any extra eggs?"
"Would she like to make a little bit of money?"

Yes, I've started soliciting strangers from afar . . . must be time for a med check. Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

For WiseGuy and Lola

2011-01-23T11:14:00.000-06:00

Kristin over at The Fertile Infertile has a wonderful and beautiful idea on what we can collectively do for our bloggy friend, WiseGuy, as she begins to grieve the loss of her newborn Lola. It's a little thing that each of us can do which would mean something huge for someone else. Please either click on the link to Kristin's blog and contact her, or email me (kekis26 at gmail dot com) and I will get you the information. We need to move fast on this to get in done and to WiseGuy when she needs it most, so contact either of us asap! Thanks for the continued prayers.

Please Send Prayers

2011-01-22T11:43:00.000-06:00

Please send up prayers for my friend WiseGuy. After years of loss and infertility, she delivered her beautiful daughter Lola on the 14th. She just learned today that her daughter went into cardiac arrest on the 16th and did not survive. I am absolutely heartbroken for her, and she needs our love and prayers more than ever right now.

I Want a Baby

2011-01-18T23:13:00.002-06:00

That's all. Nothing else to report other than stating the obvious.

True Loss

2011-01-16T23:39:00.000-06:00

"You can’t plan everything and if you do, you could missing out on so much that life has to offer. And that? That is true loss." ~ Beth Fletcher, I Should be Folding Laundry

Comforting Words

2011-01-09T19:43:00.000-06:00

In the aftermath of our dreams of conceiving through IVF being squashed, there are three people who said just the right things.

#1 - My mom and I left the doctor's office. Tears were falling, and I just wanted the hell out of there. Although she has never experienced what I have with infertility, she has always known my dreams and I was thankful to have my mom with me. We got to the parking garage, and that's when it happened. Before even getting into the car, she grabbed me into a big hug. I broke down sobbing. I'm talking bawling out loud in front of the world, and I didn't even care. "This is not the end of your story," I heard, and that is what I want to believe.

#2 - A week or so later, I met my best friend for lunch. Our friendship has been strained (to say the least) because of my need to isolate myself during IF. While our 30 year friendship is not nearly what it was, we are slowly working hard to rebuild it. She doesn't read this blog (I don't think), so she did not know about our whirlwind attempt at IVF. When I told her what we had been through and what had been taken from us, she teared up a bit, shook her head, and said, "That sucks. There is nothing else I can say." What a true statement that is.

#3 - Fast forward a couple of more weeks to Christmas. My Dad "J" (who is actually my stepdad that also raised me from age 2) was aware that we'd hopefully know by the holidays if our IVF resulted in a pregnancy. Because I didn't have the courage to call and tell him that it had not, he asked me about it Christmas Day. "Hey! I've gotten emails from you, but nothing hearing what I want to hear!" I just dropped my head a bit, teared up a little, and said, "Well . . . it . . . it didn't work." At that point, my often undemonstrative Dad hugged me and told me it would be okay no matter what. He looked at me and said, "I always wanted a daughter, and I got one!" As did I get a second Daddy.

While these words can't fix anything that is broken (not even my heart), they stay in my mind and heart, and they do help. They also stay locked in my mind reminding me what I do have - people who love me.

International Blog Delurking Week

2011-01-06T21:46:00.000-06:00

It's International Blog Delurking Week! (well, for a few more days) What does that mean? It means that if you lurk here then you need to come out, come out, wherever you are! I think it might even be a part of international law or something important like that.

Drop a comment and tell me who ~~I am~~ you are or how long you've been reading or who/what led you here or a link to your blog, or just say hi! Don't be scared. Don't be shy. I promise I don't bite . . . as long as I've eaten.

2010 Survey

2011-01-03T21:33:00.000-06:00

1. What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before? Jabbed myself with several needles each day.

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I don't do resolutions anymore because if you want something, just make it an every day goal for yourself instead. It doesn't have to begin because the calendar changes.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Of course, EVERYONE either gave birth or got pregnant. Didn't we already know that? What a crappy question.

4. Did anyone close to you die? Many - too many.   Let's see, there was . . . (1) My friend, Kacie, who died from complications of RSV after a successful bone marrow transplant for leukemia; (2) My friends' infant daughter, Kelsey, who died from complications related to Down Syndrome; (3) Our beloved Mackey dog; (4) My uncle (Dad's brother, who was estranged from most of the family); (5) My last living Grandma (paternal gma) died; (6) My aunt's son (who I guess would be a cousin, but we never met); (7) The husband of DH's mom's best friend from cancer; (8) My friend, Lynn, who was such a a gentle giant lost his battle to cancer; (9) My step-mother's mom; (10) My best friend's brother; (11) a friend's husband; and (12) My friends' sister/SIL who was brutally murdered by her husband. Gosh . . . DH and/or I went to all but a couple of those services & we're funeraled out. Hope 2011 is better in this department - MUCH BETTER.

5. What countries did you visit? USA! (Georgia, San Francisco, and Texas)

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010? Hhhhhmmm . . . let me think. This is a hard one. Sarcasm? No. Heartache? No. Oh yeah! A BABY.

7. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory? Too many - and not in good ways. Mostly May 8th when we lost Mackey and December 3rd when our IVF cycle went down the tubes. Our July and August travels had some great memories though!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Getting through the year without my body killing an unborn baby or losing my damn mind.

9. What was your biggest failure? Can I get a free pass on this one? I think we all know this answer, so I'm not going to repeat it over and over again.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Mental? Yes. :) I almost sliced off two of my fingers while chopping bell peppers, had my annual sinus infection & bronchitis, and at least one hooha party-related surgery.

11. What was the best thing you bought? All I can think of is anything that I paid for with cash. :)

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? DH's and my own. Other than DH, my mom, sister, stepdad & best friend earned some points for meritous support that I need to blog about soon. My cousin & his wife (shout out J & T) for their support from afar.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? The behavior of my uterus & ovaries get to go first here. Other than that, I'm disappointed with the behavior of a few of my family members completely ignoring the fact that our IVF obviously didn't happen. Of course the behavior of some of my students' parents. Those people don't deserve to have children, yet they do and I pay for some of them.

14. Where did most of your money go? Yet another silly question.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Thinking IVF would be our ticket to a baby.

16. What song will always remind you of 2010? There are many.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
             i. happier or sadder? hell if I know
            ii. thinner or fatter? same, still fat
           iii. richer or poorer? same I guess, which is a fairly poor teacher

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? I don't know. Cleaned & organized the house I guess. Exercised. Walked the dogs.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Cried.

20. How did you spend Christmas? Two days before Christmas was spent with my Dad, stepmom, sister and her family, two of my nieces and one nephew. Christmas Eve was spent with Todd's uncle and his wife and a few family members and friends. Christmas morning was with DH and our pets. Christmas Day was at my mom's with lots of family and a couple of friends.

I have no clue what happened to #29. I copied this from another blog & she didn't have it either.

22. Did you fall in love in 2010? Yes. I fell in love with my husband again.

24. What was your favorite TV program? I've been watching that stupid All My Children for almost 30 years, so I should probably rank it first. I also like a bunch of reality crap like Big Brother, Amazing Race, etc. Embarrassing but true.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? No. I don't hate others.

26. What was the best book you read? The Hunger Games trilogy (and I'm not a big reader)

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? Glee :)

28. What did you want and get? The year to end - and it did! Of course, DH got me lots of great Christmas presents too.

There is no #29 either! WTH?

30. What was your favorite film of this year? Eclipse? I dunno. I don't watch a ton of movies, and when I do, I always forget them. The Sound of Music is always my #1 movie & I watch it at least a couple of times per year.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I worked on my 42nd birthday and DH and I went out to dinner that night for my annual crab legs feast. He hates going with me because I meticulously pick out every.single.tiny.little.bitty.piece of crab and savor every bite. It literally takes me over an hour to eat. I love it!

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Well, hell. Why am I doing these questions again? Am I that desperate for a post?!

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010? Comfortable - I'm not big into fashion. I just like clothes to fit and not make me look fatter than I already am.

34. What kept you sane? Prozac and Xanax. And I'm not kidding. DH helped too.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Hugh Hefner -- hahaha! I kid! I kid! I don't "fancy" people (that sounds weird), but Clooney is still hot in my book. Let's go ahead and add Bradley Cooper too.

36. What political issue stirred you the most? I'm not into politics, but I think anyone that is so passionate about something that they aren't willing to consider or listen to other sides bugs the shit out of me.

37. Who did you miss? My grandmother, Mary, and I'm still missing her desperately every single day.

38. Who was the best new person you met? I'd have to think on that one.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010: You are stronger than you think. (it's a recurring theme)

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your whole year: "So raise your glass if you are wrong in all the right ways, all my underdogs . . ." Either that or "Turn off the lights. The party's over."

2010's Creme de la Creme

2011-01-02T20:41:00.003-06:00

Each year, Mel over at Stirrup Queens puts together a list called the "Creme de la Creme" that is a compilation of blogs submitted by blog writers themselves. I submitted Fertile Ramblings to the list and (of course) picked one of my more foul-mouthed ramblings to submit. Oops. Hopefully those who visit for the first time read more than that one sailor-word-laden post. A HUGE THANKS to Mel for working so hard to review and encapsulate every.single.entry to the list.

Be sure to check out the 2010's Creme de la Creme list. You will find many, many AMAZING blogs written by those who are or have been in the world of ALI (adoption, loss, infertility) and are sharing their hearts and words with all of us. Fertile Ramblings is #197 of over 250 blogs, so get reading!

In My Own Words

2011-01-02T00:50:00.002-06:00

"Be thankful for what you have because it might be something that someone else would die to have." ~ kekis

Not Holding My Breath

2010-12-31T16:49:00.000-06:00

I'm not planning to do any look back at the year and plan for the year ahead. If that's what you were looking for here, then you're pretty much screwed. I'm really kinda sick of reading all of the blogs that are doing that because (if you've been reading) you know what has been happening in that person's life already. Well, for my DH and me, 2010 pretty much sucked. See? You already knew that! Between our ongoing battle with IF, losing my last living grandmother, losing our dog Mackey, and losing several friends . . . I'm glad 2010 is going away. All I can do is hope and pray that 2011 is better than its predecessor.

Thanks to Yahoo, I can see a horoscope that looks at my year ahead. Guess I'll come back to this a year from now to see how much ~~crap it was~~ came to fruition. May you all receive many blessings in the year ahead!

kekis' 2011 (or not):

Don't stop believing, Pisces! This year is nothing short of miraculous, filled with all-things sublime. Take advantage of lucky Jupiter's final hurrah in your sign at the start of the year. If you've been procrastinating on turning your visions into a goldmine, January is your time to bust a serious move and catch the amazing non-stop momentum of 2011. There's no spacing out, hiding home or escaping from reality. Things are just too good to miss! Speaking of missing, don't miss the boat Pisces; Jupiter only enters your sign once every 12 years.
That said, you do have the auspicious advent of another awesome planetary boon when your planetary ruler, Neptune enters Pisces in April. For the next 14 years, your super-sensitivity and matchless compassion serve you well. You'll feel like you're in your own element rather than your usual fish out of water feeling. The world will join with you in feeling the suffering of the world. Your dreams and imaginative powers are nothing to be taken lightly. Divine messages, synchronicity and channeling the gods become a daily experience between April and August, and then again in 2012 to stay.

Despite your consistent protesting over the ills of materialism and that money is the root of all evil -- you may be seriously changing your tune as money seems to be falling from the sky this spring. With six planets lining up in your money sector on May 1, it's time to make some serious bank -- ready or not.

Article Comparing IF to Other Diseases

2010-12-30T00:56:00.004-06:00

Has anyone read the article titled, "What Women with Infertility, Cancer, HIV, and Chronic Pain Have in Common - And Why Few Understand It?

Yes, I'm infertile but don't consider myself a "survivor." Doesn't a survivor have to make it to the other side to be considered such? Either way, I've heard the IF to cancer comparison and don't care for it. My grandmother lost her 32 year (yes, 32 YEAR) battle with cancer in March of 2009. Three other friends lost their battles with cancer just this year. I would never compare their battles to my battle with infertility.

I guess the comparison rubs me the wrong way because - really - who wants any of it? It's doubtful that there are lines of people waiting to sign up for cancer, infertility, HIV, AIDS, chronic pain, or any other disease. It's not that I have a better term than survivor, but I just don't like it. While my battle will not lead to the death of my physical self, it may be the death of my spirit and dreams. But still . . .

Read the article, including the comments, and come back here. I'd like to hear what you all think.

Still Crazy

2010-12-22T19:41:00.000-06:00

I can't handle listening to Christmas carols right now because I'm jealous of the Virgin Mary. Yes, you heard me. I'm jealous of the freaking Virgin Mary. I mean . . . she got a baby, why don't I?

Certifiably insane now!

Blondes Needed

2010-12-20T14:27:00.000-06:00

DH was watching one of his (boring) political morning shows yesterday just before 10am. Because I wanted to spend some time with him, I made us some breakfast and was "watching" the show too. However, I quickly became thoroughly confused when the timestamp on the show's crawler showed 9:10 and I KNEW that it was almost 10am. I checked the clock, checked the TV, and repeated that a few times. Then I told DH that the TV network had their time wrong! ~~Without rolling his eyes too much~~ ~~Without laughing at me~~ ~~Without calling me a dingbat~~ DH politely reminded me that the show was playing from the DVR.

Oops!

My response? "Well, however we decide to have children, we need at least one that is a true blonde. I'm gonna need some help around here!"

Still Here

2010-12-07T20:51:00.001-06:00

I am still here - mainly on two feet, but sometimes crawling or in the fetal position - but I'm still here. I'm mad, but I'm mostly just really sad. After Friday's dismal appointment with Dr. S, I've fallen apart and gotten myself back together again. I survived the third anniversary of my first EDD. That three year old we should have is not here. It never will be and another may never be. We don't know that yet, but it really feels that way.

We've been dealt a hand that absolutely sucks. It will be a complete miracle if we are able to have a biological child using my eggs. I'll share more with you later as I'm able, but right now I'm processing everything that has happened (on my own, with DH, and with an awesome new therapist) and trying to figure out how to abandon my old dream and create new.

I will admit that I have spent time on this blog making sure that my readers enjoy what I say. Right now, this blog will be about me and only me. It probably won't be "entertaining" (as if it ever was), but that is what I need right now. At this point, I simply have nothing to give anyone but myself and my husband.

Thanks for all the kind comments, emails, calls, texts, and messages from everyone near & far. I've heard from family, friends, blog peeps, online buddies, and complete strangers. Your words have meant a lot to me. I know that I will be okay and my marriage will be okay, but life as I planned and dreamed it may become very different. I am just hoping and praying that it is a different that can still create and hold love, joy, fulfillment, and happiness for both of us.

Done.

2010-12-03T15:36:00.002-06:00

There isn't much else I can say about it. I'm devastated.

Don't Stick a Fork in Me

2010-12-02T20:55:00.000-06:00

I am DONE, but please don't stick a fork in me. I will pop like a bigass balloon if you do. That's what I look like and feel like. Yep, I'm officially uncomfortable from all of the bloating, cramping, backaches, pinching & such.

With a handy little calculator, I figured out that in the past eleven days, I've had over 5000 units of Gonal-F, 825 units of Menopur, 2500 mcg of Ganirelix, and a smathering of E2V, BCPs, Lupron, PNVs, b/a, f/a, Omega 3s, and CoQ10s. I'm heavily medicated and none of it is the "good stuff."

My appointment tomorrow should tell more. Either my two crappy little follies will still be trying to take over (and ruin) my world, or they will have been joined (hopefully by many others). I'm not really excited about it at all and expect the worst. If for some reason it works out, I'll be amazed by the miracle of it all because that's what it will be.

Battle Wounds

2010-12-01T21:51:00.000-06:00

I texted this photo to my sister earlier this evening. This piece is aptly titled, "Part of My Pretty Stomach."

I just laughed when my sister said, "Well, whoever did that to you did it WRONG." Uhhh . . . yeah. I did it to myself. :) Although it looks big in the pic, the main bruise in the center is really only the size of a quarter. It's the worst one I have right now, and I think it looks kinda cool. I'm all about the battle wounds. Just wish the battle meant a baby would follow someday soon.

Ssshhhhh

2010-12-01T14:44:00.000-06:00

I'm trying to stay fairly quiet. There is a lot brewing inside of me right now. I know that once I finally let loose, all of my emotions will spill out and possibly (okay, almost definitely) unleash a wrath on anything/anyone in the path. Teaching children and the pressures of school make this ~~somewhat~~ extremely difficult. Pretty much everything I'm doing feels difficult. My cursing aloud has mutliplied because I know I'm just really pissed right now. I'm also really sad, but I won't go there. I'm the person who once I start cry, I don't stop. There are some new rivers to be made here in Texas soon.

Granted, my appointment on Friday could go delightfully well but - HA!! - who am I kidding? Therefore, my plan is to lose my shit this weekend. Just wish I had some kind of a sound-proof, padded cell in which to lose said shit. I'll at least need to find a safe place for DH. Do they offer shelters by the hour for men with crazyass wives? You know . . . kinda like a no-tell motel that you pay for by the hour? Poor guy - he'll probably need one.

Until then, I'm quiet.