Impossible is Not a Word

"Impossible is not a word. It's just a reason for people not to try."

I'm sure many of you will read this post and wonder under what rock I've been hiding. In all honesty, I've strayed from listening to Christian music like I once did. I mainly listen to music while in the car, and since Christian music often evokes such emotion in me that I can quickly become a disaster in merely a short trip to the store, I don't listen to it as I did before this journey began.

Today I heard the song "What Faith Can Do" by Kutless for the first time. This song perfectly describes how I've held on to hope for almost three years. So many of these words have been in my heart and gone through my head without my ability to verbalize them properly, and to hear them on the radio today just floored me.




The lyrics -- every. single. word. -- from this song helps it all make some sense now. When people ask me how keep going, why I don't just stop, and ask how I DO it, I now have an answer.

As the lyrics say:

"Even if you fall sometimes, you will have the strength to rise." I have no choice but to survive. I have to keep fighting until I can't anymore.

"Miracles just happen; silent prayers get answered; broken hearts become brand new." That can become me. Us. Our family. Our prayers can be answered.

My hope is in my faith . . . I know that I am always "scared to death . . . to take that step", but I have to because I know that "it'll be all right." God makes sure of that.

"Life is so much more than what you're eyes are seeing but you will find your way if you keep believing." I have to keep believing there is more. I have to. I just feel that there is, there has to be, and I hope to show you that someday.

Prayers for Kelsey - Surgery

Baby Kelsey needs your fervent prayers again. She is having open heart surgery tomorrow. Her parents are understandably scared. And I'm scared for them. All the prayers you can spare need to be heard right now!

Happy 2010!

It wasn't even 11:00pm yet, but ya know, we got some work to do this coming year!




Thanks for being there for me in 2009. I wish you all of the dreams you can imagine and blessings you can handle in 2010.

Dog Parenting

Yesterday, DH and I walked the dogs. We have started walking them all separately because they seem to behave better. DH took Pippin in one direction and planned to walk Mackey afterwards. I took Steve in another direction with the almost always needed bags for poop in hand. As Stevie and I walked, I filled a bag with a bunch of leaves from a neighbor's yard. It's much easier to pick up a big, fresh, warm mound of dog poop when it's covered with leaves.

Surprisingly, Steve didn't give me a need to use the bag, so I saved it for DH's walk with Mack. As DH brought Pippin in and leashed Mackey up, I told him the bag was on the entry table for him to use if he wanted to take it. He asked, "Why a bag of leaves?" I told him the same thing I just told you about picking up fresh poop.

His reply? "You'll be great with kids, Dear." I told him I hope so! :)

I know it sounds silly, but hearing that from the man I love - the father of my future children - really warmed my heart and gave me hope. I think he'll be great with kids, too.

In Case I Needed a Reminder

Good thing I already knew that. Hope 2010 is a much better year!

Prayers Needed

I've asked you before, and I'll ask again. Please send your prayers to "The UP Family" - Kelsey and her parents, Patti and Andy, and big brother Keeton. My friends need us all right now, and they are hoping your prayers will help.

A New Old Friend

First of all, thank you for all of your sweet comments yesterday. I've thankfully moved through the point where I would spend the day crying and feeling sorry for myself, but the thoughts of our first baby are always present in my mind.

Last night continued my path through the land of pregnancy loss and infertility. I had the awesome opportunity to meet an old friend for the first time. Now, I know that sounds strange. How could I meet an old friend for the first time? Well, let me tell you . . .

A couple of years ago - I can't remember if it was after losing baby #1 or baby #2 - I joined an amazing group of ladies on the Nest's Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss board. It was incredible place where I could be safe and express my true feelings because everyone there understood. They were in the depths with me. If you have ever experienced a m/c, you know that really the only people who can truly understand what you are going through are the people who are going through it also.

I made so many friends on that board. Yes, they were internet friends but they were friends. Many still are, and many are becoming IRL friends now too. One woman who has always been on my side encouraging me and loving me through it all is "NoVaIrish." I thankfully got to meet her face-to-face for the first time last night.

It was such a surreal experience. Just as it was the first time I met Katie and Maria, NoVa and I practically ran to each other and just hugged one another for a long time. We talked openly about everything. We already knew one another. We know each other's hearts which speaks volumes. It was awesome. After spending less than five minutes together, it just felt like we had done this many times before. I think at one point we were finishing each other's sentences and saying the same thing at the same time! And, of course, we both have a love for babies and beer (in that order!).

The cherry on top of that awesome friend sundae was that I got to meet NoVa's son as well. I knew him as his mother's dream long before he was conceived. Meeting Baby Michael felt like I was seeing a nephew for the first time. I knew who he was when I saw him, and I couldn't take my eyes off him for the longest time. Just like with Maria's EJ, the babynapping thoughts flooded my brain, but yet again I didn't have a car seat for a quick getaway. haha!

Like his Mommy and Auntie Kekis, Michael likes beer too. ;) Okay, it's just the bottle he likes but he IS teething ya know.

And after a few beers fun night of playing, I took Michael on my own for a while. NoVa was totally cool with me taking her kid with me when I needed to go to the bathroom, getting his diaper changed, and walking around. I decided to see if I still had that magic touch, and got Michael to sleep. I still have it! That's when the self-portraits began.

I am so thankful that I had the opportunity to meet an old friend. It's difficult to find other women in your own personal circle of friends who truly know you and what you are going through. Some people don't understand the kind of connection we have, but only because they haven't experienced it before. It's truly like seeing an old friend again - even if you've never seen one another before.

December 5

Dear Baby #1,

Your Daddy and I were married on March 10, 2007 and made you sometime in the following week while on a relaxing honeymoon in the USVI. We found about you a little over two weeks later on March 27, and we were both so shocked! Your Daddy didn't quite believe me the first couple of times (days!) I told him. Never did we believe that we could conceive a child so easily. You were a blessing that we figured we would have to wait on for a long time.

We found out that you were to be born on this date, December 5, in 2007. As thrilled parents-to-be, we told almost everyone we could. They were excited to hear our wonderful news. We couldn't wait to be your parents. How excited we were to learn more about you and meet you and hold you and love you and celebrate Christmas with you. I felt as if you were a girl, even though I was barely pregnant. I had some slight nausea, was extremely fatigued, and my breasts were absolutely killing me. All I wanted to eat was crackers, chicken fingers, and potatoes.

Sadly, we learned on April 25 that we would not get to meet you here on Earth. I was devastated. I would never get to feel you moving in my belly or hold you or play with your Daddy or run with your pets or watch you grow. It's so amazingly difficult to explain to many others how I can miss you although I never met you. But I do. Every single day.

So, on the day that we wish that we could be celebrating your second birthday, I wanted you to know that I love you and miss you. You are my first angel, and my heart has a special place just for you. I will never, ever forget what you meant to me and the hopes and dreams I had for you.

Until we meet again,
Your Mommy

Take Five (or Twenty-Five)

After talking with DH tonight, we are going to take a break from TTC for at least this month. December is always so crazy for us between work, parties, Christmas, guests, and more. DH is starting grad school in January and will be taking the GRE on the day we might need to do an IUI.

When I told him that after looking at our December calendar thus far, it might be best for us to hold off on "official baby-making" for this month. I was honestly a bit surprised that he was a bit hesitant. I feel as if I've been the one pushing this whole TTC process, and it was nice to know that it matters to him as well.

With all that said, we are going to take the next 25 days to enjoy, relax, have sex for fun, hang out, and spend time with family and friends. No meds, no poas, no charting, no temping, no stress. We'll need to get ready for 2010 . . . this will have to be it for us - baby or bust!

It's Here

My very first trigger shot arrived today.

It was in a ridiculously oversized box:

Which only held these three things:

That needle looks awfully big.

DH asked who is giving me that shot.

I looked at him longingly. He turned away. I then told him either my mom (a nurse) or Dr. Terrific would do it. It's not that I don't trust DH to do it, but I just don't want to put him in that position. Not to mention that I don't think he wants to inject me in the first place!

Nor do I want my ass to hurt any more than it has to hurt. (It does go into my butt doesn't it?)

So . . . it's here. Now what?